Freedom from Life

Freedom from Life

It was a time of joy. Looking back it seemed like an eternity to get here. Finally he was relieved. It was all over and he could start living life on his own terms. The endless rigmarole of studying for the next exam without knowing what was happening immediately around him was gone. College was going to end in a few months and he had just landed a job. He knew now there was no stopping him. He felt unburdened and carefree. He could show the world who was the boss now.

Life had started for Ramesh.

15 years later after that time of celebration, joy and happiness, life had set in. This was a lot worse than he thought. Growing up was no picnic. He got all that he wanted and yet he was lost. No exam had ever prepared him for this daily mindless droning work that he was now a part of. He didn’t know why he was working and what he was achieving. At least with exams, he knew what he wanted to achieve and there was a sense of accomplishment. Here there was no accomplishment. No exam had prepared him for this. Someone had told him, “Life is an exam where the syllabus is unknown and question papers are not set”. But that just could not be true. He was positively despondent. This was no exam. This was just a worthless waste of time. All the marks in the world that he had scored growing up, couldn’t be worth this unending drone.

He was at the end of his patience. Nothing was working out and he really didn’t know what he wanted to work out. Words had lost meaning. All the philosophy he had read turned out to be empty words. All the religion he had adhered to, were empty rituals, to take his mind off of life. There was no higher purpose. This was it. He had nowhere to turn to. On his way back, he stopped off at the local temple to sit and reflect at where his life had taken him.

As he sat, his anger mounted, at himself, at God at everyone and everything. All that he believed in seemed hollow. He wished he had pursued more materialistic pleasures rather than try to do the right thing as society dictated. Just then his friend too walked in to the temple. He was smiling as he walked into the temple. His friend suddenly noticed him and walked over all cheery. He sat beside him and asked him if he was there remembering the good old days, when they sat here watching beautiful girls in colourful dresses traipse in! Those days were wicked. He realised he hadn’t shunned all material pleasures during his younger days. He remembered other incidents that he was too ashamed to recall that fed his curiosity. Yet the gloomy cloud he was immersed in didn’t seem to disappear. The temple was almost empty now. The priest was an old gentleman with a long flowing white beard and ever smiling face. The priest was sitting outside the temple now and staring at him. As their eyes met, the priest beckoned him to come over. Slowly and reluctantly he walked over. The priest smilingly asked, what the matter was. Nothing could be so grave that one would sit at a temple for over 2 hours without moving an inch.

Ramesh had nothing to say. It was nothing really. Just that he didn’t know where he was going and all his preparation seemed meaningless. The priest smiled and said, it is at times like these that we go back to our roots, to our beginning and discover what we are. Ramesh was puzzled. The priest said go back to your roots and come back to me in a week.

Ramesh went home and then tried to understand what it is the priest meant. He took a couple of days off and went to his village. He spent time with his parents and extended family and yet nothing could shake off the feeling that doom was near. That he had to go back to work and the routine of everyday life.

He went back to the priest and recounted what he had done. The priest simply said, that to discover the source of your unhappiness you must go back to your roots. The old phrase kept coming back to him – Life is an exam where the syllabus is unknown and question papers are not set. He asked the priest if the phrase was true. The priest smiled even more and said, it is true in the literal sense but not in reality. Go forth and discover, he said, without breaking his smile. Ramesh was getting exhausted. Life was heavy and the priest was not helping. And yet there was something about the old priest that seemed to keep him attached to him.

This routine continued for a few weeks and slowly Ramesh realised that the priest had become an anchor. Life was not as dull as it was. He had added another dimension to his routine and life was going on. But he knew at the back of his mind, he had not solved the problem. All he had done was circumvent it. He had vented a little but not really done anything more than that. Inside he was still troubled. He confessed to the priest what he thought. That though life was not as burdensome, it wasn’t that he had discovered anything new or that he had made any change to his life.

The priest smiled and said that was the first step to discovery, though Ramesh didn’t think so at all. The priest urged him to go back to his roots and discover his happiness there. Ramesh said he had tried and nothing had helped. The frustration was rising within Ramesh again. The priest asked him to calm down and sit down. Ramesh sat down in front of the priest. The priest smiled and asked Ramesh to smile. Ramesh forced a smile out. The priest said going back to your roots, does not mean going back to your village. It does not mean going back to where you were born. It means wearing the same shoes, metaphorically, that you wore when you thought you were happier. And then discovering the key to your happiness. Ramesh told the priest he was happy when he was younger and he struggled hard those days to keep up with school. The priest said, do not tell me, talk to yourself and discover it for yourself. Self realisation is most important. Suddenly it dawned on Ramesh and without listening to the priest he said hard work is the key. I used to work hard and was happy. The priest asked, don’t you work equally or probably more now? Ramesh’s smile disappeared. He thought he had the answer but fell flat on his face. The priest smiled and said go and discover for yourself. But Ramesh was insistent. The priest said this is not an exam, where you search for the right answer and got up to go back into the temple.

The words that life wasn’t an exam stuck with him. But life was an exam with no prescribed syllabus. He had begun to believe that. But still the words that life wasn’t an exam seemed to strike a chord and resonate with him. As he went to bed that night, he kept thinking about what the priest said. He didn’t realise when he went to sleep but when he got up the next morning, things seemed to be a lot clearer. Life is not an exam.

He was excited to go back to the priest and tell him what he thought. That evening he told the priest his new discovery. He told him that life wasn’t an exam. The priest smiled and said so? If it wasn’t an exam now, it wasn’t an exam in your childhood. So why were you happier then? Dejected Ramesh went back home.

Another week later Ramesh came back to the priest, he seemed to have hit a brick wall. The priest asked him again why he was happier then. Ramesh said because he worked hard towards a goal and crossed every milestone and every challenge thrown at him. And the priest said exactly! Ramesh knew the priest was goading him on. The priest’s concentrated look meant he was asking Ramesh to go on. The smile seemed to disappear in the wrinkled creases of the priest’s face and yet Ramesh was as lost as he was 14 weeks ago. And yet Ramesh didn’t want to let go. He seemed on the verge of a breakthrough and could not disappoint the priest. He looked up at the priest only to see him smiling. It was almost as if the priest was mocking him! The priest asked him to think some more. Ramesh wasn’t willing to get up, as realisation seemed to dawn on him. He was sitting under the huge banyan tree in the courtyard of the temple, when it hit him. Life isn’t an exam or a hurdle to cross. Life is a journey to be travelled. Ramesh was happier passing milestones and seeking external validation. But he had never done anything for himself. He didn’t know what he valued and what would give him happiness. All the exams in the world didn’t prepare him for this revelation. All he knew was life wasn’t an exam. Life is meant to be lived.

If anyone tells you otherwise, ask him to talk to Ramesh, or better yet, the priest.